Announcer: The views and opinions expressed in to the point are those of the hosted, the program and its guests.

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Doni: In the United States, there are more than 16 million people caring for someone with dementia.

While there are daily advances in treatment, there is currently no cure for either Alzheimer's or dementia.

As the disease progresses and cognitive, physical and functional abilities diminish, the importance of the role of caregiver cannot be understated.

Caregiving can be a huge job, and it's easy to become overwhelmed, discouraged and neglect your own well-being.

MemoryLane Care Services understands this process all too well.

Executive Director Salli Bollin and Social Services Director Cheryl Conley are here to discuss how to make this journey just a bit easier.

I'm Doni Miller, and this is To The Point.

Connect with us on our social media pages.

You know that you can email me at doni _miller @wgte.org and if you missed this episode or you're looking for additional extras, go to wgte.org/o the point we are talking about an issue that we don't spend enough time talking about in this country, and that's caregiving.

As I said in the opening, there are 16 million people in this country and that number is rising daily, I might add, who have the responsibility of being a caregiver for someone in their family, and especially these days around the issues of dementia and Alzheimer's.

Tough, tough journey, but one that is absolutely essential.

When you were in the position of caring for four folks who have either dementia or Alzheimer's, we've got experts here today that can talk to us about, you know, going into the kitchen and not remembering why you are there is probably not a sign that you've got dementia, but there are things that you should look for.

And there are ways that you should take care of yourself if in fact, you are a caregiver.

I'd like to introduce to you Sally Boland, who is who I know very well, and I so I have no idea.

Worries.

That's your name.

Sally Boland, who is the executive director of Memory Lane and her director of Social Services, Cheryl Connolly.

Welcome, both of you.

Cheryl: Thank you for having us.

Doni: So good to have you here.

So it's true, isn't it, that when I go into the kitchen and I'm standing there and saying, why did I come in here?

I probably don't have to be worried about that.

Cheryl: There are just normal brain changes with age.

People don't want to hear that.

It starts as early as 45. wow.

And just keeps getting more pronounced.

That's not dementia.

Doni: When do you start to worry?

Cheryl: I think what is actually interfering with your life, and especially if your judgment and your reasoning goes off.

Because if anything, older people just get wiser and wiser and more experienced.

Doni: Yeah.

Yeah.

I was reading an article in preparation for your visit that talked about some troubling things that that would not be ordinary for that family or that person.

Like forgetting putting the keys in the refrigerator for instance.

I mean, that sounds odd to folks, but that is actually one of the things that could happen on this journey toward dementia.

Salli?

Salli: Yeah, Sometimes I think when people have dementia, something that they normally do every day that all of a sudden is something they, they forget how to do.

And so maybe if they're driving every day, like you mentioned, and they keep their keys in a container, you know, on their kitchen counter and then suddenly put it in the refrigerator it could be something like I was just doing too many things at once and I accidentally put it in there when I put the milk in the fridge.

Or it could be something else that's indicative of something out of my normal routine.

I'm not recalling anymore and it's changing.

And that might be something that could be concerning for people.

Cheryl: Yeah.

Doni: And that's when family should begin to investigate.

Salli: I think family or the person themselves, sometimes people themselves recognize that they're experiencing some changes and it can be very scary, but a good thing to do is, you know, to talk to your family about it.

Talk to your close friends.

Talk to your primary health care provider to you and see what it is, what's going on.

Because some things that caused memory loss, as Cheryl had mentioned, could be related to normal aging and might be able to be addressed in some things.

Might mean that you're on a journey to a long term chronic disease and you need to adapt your lifestyle to maybe life will change and you might live a little bit differently, but you can still live a full life.

Doni: Yeah, the burden.

I don't want to call it a burden.

I really don't.

I think I think caregiving can certainly be challenging.

It can also be joyful.

And it's it's not a journey that I would characterize as being a burden, but it is one filled with stress, possibly.

What do we get wrong as caregivers?

Cheryl: I think we can have unrealistic expectations of the person and forget that their brains aren't working.

And so we'll argue with them like, Don't you remember?

You promised you wouldn't go out of the house.

Don't you remember?

You promised.

And they were very sincere when they made that promise.

I won't go out of the house.

And then they.

Doni: Forget.

And then they forget.

How do we prepare ourselves, though, for that?

I can I can hear that conversation happening with my friends who who are caregivers.

And they they are frustrated because, you know, I've asked you not to go out of the house because you might get hurt and you've done it anyway.

And and then they feel helpless.

How do you how do you prepare yourself to have that conversation?

Salli?

Salli: Yeah.

So I think one way to do it is to become educated as best you can.

There's a lot of amazing information out there about caregiving that can be very helpful to help prepare you mentally to address some of the situations you might encounter.

I think the other thing to do is to build a support system.

When you care for someone as a caregiver, you can't do it by yourself, right?

You know, because you're still a person, you still have needs and you have a right to make sure those needs get addressed as well, too.

So building a support system to help you so you're not having to do everything alone.

Doni: The impact of doing everything alone, Cheryl, is what what happens?

Cheryl: Well, when when you get overwhelmed, you get frustrated and you start feeling lonely because your person, whether it's a parent or a spouse or a friend, was your partner.

And so if you have to do it alone when you always used to turn to them for advice, that can be very lonely.

Doni: Sure.

I would think acceptance, too, would be a major part of this journey.

And what I mean by that is not being guilty for not feeling guilty for whatever your feelings are doing during this process.

I mean, so if you lose your temper once in a while and you're frustrated once in a while, isn't that okay?

Salli: It's okay.

And quite honestly, that happens with lots of things in life, not just caregiving.

And so recognizing that, you know, not everything's perfect.

Not everything is going to go right every time.

And, you know, and as a result, then you might get frustrated, you might lose your temper and so just, you know, building skills, though, so that when you start to feel those frustration levels and you start to feel that your temper is wearing, then what can you do to adjust that so that doesn't continue?

Doni: Yeah.

When do you think when do you think you should start looking for help?

I mean, there there are a lot of families that try really hard to maintain that person in the home under their care.

And but there certainly is a point, I think, when people need to reach out and say, I need help.

What are some of the signs of that?

Cheryl: It's never too early to start getting yourself educated.

And if the person is still early enough that they can be educated.

Reaching out is a great idea.

Doni: What kinds of education, though?

Cheryl: So, so much is available on the internet and you could also come to memory Lane Care services.

We take calls all day long like, yeah, it's been three weeks since Daddy's taken a shower and you need to learn new communication, the communication that worked for you for decades about being open and transparent suddenly isn't working.

Doni: So give me an example of what that might sound like.

Cheryl: So I think of the word communication as being like communion, that you're together with someone.

And so if you start explaining to them, you know, it's been three weeks since you've taken a bath, you've broken communication, haven't you?

Because they don't get it.

And so we want to have ways to protect their ego and to try to get them to to come along with you in this journey.

So there's lots of arguing.

Yeah.

Is when communication is broken and arguing is actually a type of reasoning.

We always think of dementia as being problems with your memory, but I think it's more disabling that you can't reason and have good judgment.

Yeah.

And so you learn entirely new ways of communication because sometimes being reasonable, rational and logical just gets you in trouble.

Doni: You know, one of the things that Sally and I were talking about the other day is, is that how do I put it?

It's it's you have to remember that even though the person you may be a caregiver for isn't the same person that you know, they are still a human being with feelings and expectations and all of those things.

And so the conversations, whatever the conversations are, have to be done in a different way.

And also with the with the thought always in mind that you're dealing with a human being.

And I give Sally the example of taking the car keys.

I had a friend whose wife took the car keys and she just took them.

She said, no more driving.

You're not driving anymore.

And when he was relaying that story to me, you could see him start to shrivel.

He felt diminished.

And she didn't mean to do that.

She didn't mean to do that.

How do we keep in mind through our frustrations that we really are still dealing with people who have feelings?

Salli: You know, that's a great point.

And, you know, just like lots of other times in life or when people have other types of chronic diseases, when someone has a dementia, they're still a whole person.

Absolutely.

And it's just that life has changed for them.

And so trying to figure out ways to work with them based on the the ways that the dementia is, is changing their personality or their ability to do things can really make a big difference for them in remembering then that there's still lots to enjoy in life, You know, there's still lots of laughter.

There's, you know, we find that we have people come to our our office every day who have dementia and they still find lots of meaning and purpose and joy and they develop friendships and they still can do a lot of amazing things.

It's just different.

Doni: It's just different.

Right.

And you guys provide a number of services to help caregivers along this journey.

We're going to talk about those things when we come back.

All right.

We'll be right back.

Please stay with us.

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Doni: As always, you can connect with us on our social media pages and please take a moment to email me at doni _miller @wgte.or and for this episode and other additional extras.

Please go to wgte.org/to that point, if you missed us earlier, I would like to re-introduce you to Salli Bollin and Cheryl Conley, both from MemoryLane Care Services.

They are experts in the provision of care to those folks and families who are on the journey dealing with the dementia.

We were talking in the first episode of the first part of the show about the kinds of things that people should pay attention to if they have someone in their home that they think might be moving toward toward dementia.

We talked about things like not being allowing yourself the guilt or allowing yourself to feel what you feel as you go through this journey.

We talked about connecting and learning how to communicate differently with people, and we talked about caring for yourselves.

And that's where you guys absolute we shine.

You have all kinds of services to make this process easier.

Salli: Yes, we're very fortunate.

You know, we're in the Toledo community and we provide a lot of caregiver support through education programs and counseling services.

And we also have respite services available.

So we have an adult day center where people can come to our center during the day and exercise.

We have you know, we play games, we have music come in, we have pet therapy throughout the day.

And they just really have a great time at our center.

And it gives an opportunity for the caregivers maybe to get out and do things they need to take care of.

And interestingly, about half of the people who come to the center, their caregivers are still working.

And so it gives people an opportunity to continue to remain employed and remain in the workforce, too.

Doni: The whole idea of respite, though, is good for both parties, isn't it?

Salli: Absolutely.

Yeah.

It's good for the person who comes to the center because it gives them an opportunity to get out, be with other people, remain engaged in the community, find meaning and purpose, and for the caregiver too, it gives them a break to to take care of maybe if they have some some of their own medical needs they need to take care of or, as I mentioned, working or going even to the grocery store.

You know, that can be very time consuming, too.

Sure.

Sure.

Doni: Should is there resistance generally?

Cheryl: I would say maybe about half the time.

The person doesn't know the what in the day center is.

Sure.

And so they're thinking, I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know what's expected of me.

I don't even know where the restroom is right.

And so all we can do is assure the caregiver that once they start coming, they love it, love it, love it.

Doni: It's just a matter of time, right?

It's not patience, patience and time.

Some of the more popular services that you provide or what.

Cheryl: I would say the Adult Day center would be the number one.

But all day long when people are calling us, we're trying to figure out who in the community could help this person.

And sometimes the services are things that memory lane care services offers.

But sometimes we're referring to the Area Office on Aging or the Veterans or their own health care provider for things like that.

Salli: We're really lucky in in our community that we have a lot of wonderful services for older adults and for family caregivers and, you know, and so and what's really interesting is a lot of the providers work together.

You know, we collaborate.

And if we know that someone has an expertise in a certain area, will refer to them or likewise people were referred to as to and we really try and build a community together because when you're getting older or you're caregiving, you know, it's not just having one resource, but having multiple resources can really provide the support that you need to continue on living, you know, the best life possible that you can.

Doni: Yeah, that's such a good point.

And we should take a moment here to give a major shout out to Justin more in the Area Office on Aging.

They do amazing work there and work with organizations like yours all the time, and people should feel free to call.

I mean, there's absolutely no harm in calling and saying, you know, I don't know what to do right now.

Help me figure out what to do.

Are your services with cost or without cost?

Cheryl: It varies.

The Adult Day center is on what is called a voluntary cost share.

Doni: What does that.

Cheryl: Mean?

It means that we figure out what is a reasonable I don't even want to say fee because it is voluntary, but let me use the word fee.

Okay.

What would be a reasonable fee for this person to pay?

So, for example, someone whose income is about 2000 a month, they'd be coming for about 13 bucks a day.

Wow.

Which is nice.

And then the area office and 18 senior services levy makes up the difference.

And then people in Monroe County have a similar levy that makes up the difference.

And there's even some state of Ohio funds to make up that difference.

Doni: So if I were coming to your and you're on Reynolds Road.

Were on Reynolds.

Were on Reynolds.

Right.

So if I were coming to to your center, is that a center?

If I were coming to your center, what would my day be like there?

Cheryl: You'd come through the door and probably be greeted, be greeted with a lot of enthusiasm, like, hey, hello.

Because we know that people are a little bit uncertain and unsure and we want them to feel welcomed right away.

I mean, you get greeted so enthusiastically that unless you have a dog, no one else is greeting you like that.

Doni: Nobody's be is happy to see you.

Cheryl: And then you come in the center and we start activities and there's activities all day long.

A lot of people with dementia lose their initiative.

They can't think of what they want to.

Doni: Do, right.

Cheryl: So it's a different from a senior center where you'll decide, I'm going to go to the travel lecture or I'm going to go to the such and such.

We offer lots of activities for them and if there's something they don't want to do, I mean, you're still in America.

You got a free choice, right?

And so we'll do something.

We'll do something one on one with them.

Doni: Yeah.

So is there an evaluation?

So if I'm not sure if if my parents if it was a parental situation, if I'm not sure that my parent should be there.

Do you evaluate?

Salli: We do.

We actually have we always encourage people.

You know, we I feel very strongly that people should be able to come into our center at any point in time and, you know, just walk in the door and see what's going on.

So we encourage people to come visit, take a peek, see what you think, if we think it's going to be a good fit.

We do have what we call is an intake process where we do some evaluation to make sure that it'll be a good fit for people.

But we have people who come to the center who are at various stages of dementia, different types of dementia.

Their diagnosis is are very different.

And but we seem to be able to try and make it work.

We take a person centered approach, and so we really want to look at that person and see who they are, what they like to do, and see what we can do to have them come to the center and be involved in a meaningful way.

Doni: So we know what you do.

What are you not?

So people don't have misguided expectations.

Cheryl: The person does need to be able to physically be able to leave their house.

So someone who'd be on a gurney or a stretcher that would be beyond our care.

Someone needs to be able with two people to stand and pivot.

So to get transfer with help.

Sure.

Although there are people who are very physically strong and and cognitively okay to take themselves to the restroom, they would be they need to be able to leave the house and with help use the restroom.

Doni: Okay.

Cheryl: All right.

So we don't take care of bad people who have to stay in bed.

Doni: So we've talked an awful lot about the person who would be receiving her services, the person with the dementia.

What about services for the caregiver?

Salli: So we have a number of services for the caregiver, too.

And our caregiver services actually are free.

So we have a number of education programs.

Cheryl actually facilitates a weekly caregiver education program that's available in person, or you can participate virtually or by telephone on a variety of topics related to caregiving.

So that's a wonderful program.

And, you know, I think people attend based on topics, but I think some people also attend because they've developed a support network and being able to talk with other people who are walking in the same path that you are makes a big, big difference.

Doni: It certainly does.

What do you hear most often expressed as a concern by caregivers?

Cheryl: Well, you're the one who brought up the word guilt.

I haven't met a caregiver yet who isn't feeling guilty about being human.

And and then I think there is the sense of isolation that you're in this by yourself, which is why you need support around you.

The support can be friends and family, or it could be something more formal like memory letting care services.

Doni: Well, your life changes, doesn't it?

As a caregiver, I mean, it can't help but change if relationships have to change friends, relationships with friends have to be different.

Is that right?

Or am I assuming.

Cheryl: I would say so?

Unless you've been through it, you kind of don't understand.

So even your close friends sometimes don't understand.

And we do have a care coach and that's a free service.

And she will actually meet with people by appointment over the phone and in a very organized fashion, go through like, are you concerned about safety?

Are you concerned about planning for the future?

Are you concerned about your own stress?

Are you concerned about behaviors?

And like a coach does come up with an action plan for how are we going to eat this elephant?

Doni: Right, right, right.

Salli: Right.

And one of the things I think that's really, you know, I'm really proud of and unique about it that I think is unique about our services is whether it's our day program or caregiver education or care coaching services.

You know, sometimes people use our services for three, four or five months, and sometimes we have people who have used our services for ten, 15 years, but it's allowed them the support so that they can continue in their caregiving role.

And I think that's really important.

And I know it's important to our organization and it's important, I think, for caregivers too, that we're there for that for every step of the way with their journey in caregiving.

Doni: And that includes when things might not work out quite the way we'd want them to work out.

Cheryl: It seems like just when you got it all figured out and I have something that will work.

It all falls apart and now we have to start again.

Yeah, because the person changes as the disease progresses.

Doni: Right.

So we have a minute left.

In that minute, what advice would you give to caregivers out there?

Salli: I think one of the most important things is don't do it alone.

Make sure you build a support system, whether that's family members, friends, people from your faith community, people with more formalized or organizations.

But it'll allow you to continue in that role and remembering, too, that that person is still a person.

They're still a whole person.

They might just have changed a little bit.

Doni: Thank you both so much for being here.

And remember, you can reach Memory Lane and services on Reynolds Road, and we'll have that information for you on our website.

Thank you so much for joining us today.

I hope to see you next time.

On to the Point.

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